Talkin’ Too Much
14 Jun
It’s not unusual for me to come away from an event or a conversation with the conviction and determination to be a much quieter person.
I love to laugh and joke with friends. I love to play. I love to have a good time.
But old age and a slightly screwed up psyche often leave me sincerely convinced that everybody would have a much better time is I just clamp my jaws together and preserve my own silence. Let ‘em play. Be invisible.
It’s not that I talk much. I don’t. I have very little to say, but it seems that the statistics continue to turn against me – the percentages climb in the wrong direction. The less I say, the more of it feels wrong. It just seems like nothing comes out right, and no one gets my point. They mean no ill will at all, but Bernard just doesn’t make sense at all.
Confidence is a shaky thing. The less we trust ourselves, the harder it is to re-establish our foundation. Some folks can talk endlessly and never seem to offend or bore their listeners. I clearly don’t have that gift. To tell me to “be more confident” is the most laughable advice known to man. It’s similar to telling a drowning man that he has to relax in the water. He doesn’t have that ability. He clearly can’t swim, and if he can’t swim, he’s going to drown, and if he’s going to drown, he’s going to fight it. Much like telling an atheist to have faith in a God that he doesn’t believe in. Confidence? It’s a hard earned commodity. For those of us who have disappointed everyone we come into contact with, those of us who can never keep our promises and always miss our deadlines, those of us who never meet our goals, “being more confident” is nothing more than continually lying to ourselves.
We DON’T believe in ourselves anymore. We don’t believe that anyone else does, either. And we’re convinced that our “belief” is right, because circumstances bear it out as true.
I trust very little right now. And it trickles down. My feelings of inadequacy are huge. Id’ love to be a person that folks love to be around, but I don’t feel like that person anymore.
It even feels like I’m talking too much in this post.
So I’ll go sit down and shut up. Y’all have a great time.
See what I mean?

Like



Recent Comments